advice from a podcast.

anything that can be taken away, probably shouldn't be relied on as a coping skill

- podcast

I am aware of this. I repeated this to myself from February to March then March to April, then finally April to my foot wanting to implode. I have bunions. I do not have cute or dainty feet. My toenails fall off and my toes are disproportionate to my feet and my big toe is too big and too fat and my left foot is easily a size and a half larger than my right.

But they're my feet! And I love them. Even as they break after a 20 mile training run. Ok, not break, but go into major over-training symptoms and now it hurts to walk. It makes me so angry, Why is 29 miles my limit? I saw the same pattern last June. I did one last training run *29 miles, crazy, right), and the first week of June marked my last non-painful run for six months. I didn't have a happy run until January. Every single run hurt. Work hurt. My mood was always down. Because who, in their right mind, is happy when they can't run 7 miles every morning. Peak happiness is achieved by 7am or not at all. Can one be satisfied without first ponding their body into the pavement? I mean this metaphorically, through the journey of running, but maybe their are some deeper demons to dig around here.

Well. It sounds pretty ridiculous as I type this out. But its insane how easy it is to hate myself when I can't run. I saw this coming! I always do this. I get into a groove, a great rhythm, and then my body collapses in on itself. I finally, finally, have some sort of a timeline for getting back to Ranger, and its like it feels the pressure and I choke (four months out). Sure, pushups don't depend on metatarsals, but I want to do pushups AND run. I don't want to melt in a tent for the next three months. I was so close to reaching that summer running season- the exact season I missed last year. I am keenly aware I am not a clutch person, but I also try to hold a little more faith in my training than this.

I keep putting off therapy. or asking for help, because I don't want this to inhibit the one timeline I want to work out going forward. I don't want to think about it too much, because my life is too easy to complain this much and thats pretty embarrassing. She can't run and she's falling apart? get a grip! but running is my grip-- problem identified. Instead, I tell my two closest friends how much I hate myself and then follow that text up with "im done. im fine. im sorry for being so dramatic!" I am sorry, but not for being dramatic- I'm sorry that I push this issue on others and look for their affirmations that I am in fact fine. I won't gain 30# in two weeks of no running. I probably won't experience the same injury timeline as last year. I am ok, because I can still do other things. I just don't want to. I want to lay in my bed until I can run again. But I won't. I am just trying to figure out how to keep my head straight in the meantime.

I basically didn't work for a week. One would think that would then translate to coming back to Lest prepared! ready! organized! in fact, the exact opposite ensued. I want to crush my head on the pavement- kiddingly, of course. But I can't stop feeling so angry. Angry that I am so unorganized I forget key pieces that MEANT to bring back! Angry that I feel like I can't trust my body or the thousands of hours I invest in my own training. Angry that I have 3 more months doing this job that just makes me want to rip my hair out but I have to smile and say that im "making the best of it!" "its our slice of paradise!"

I am letting myself down. I am tired. Its saturday and sunny and I just want to be out running. fuck, I'll take biking!! but I cannot. right now. and walking hurts still so the whole "walk to run" progression so graciously suggested by the recent encounter with the provider feels a long, long way away.