books and high school

If I had read perks of being a wallflower in high school- it would have changed my life. In what way... not sure. If nothing else, probably just a demonstration that other people walk through hallways alone, panic going to lunch, wish for more people to say hi to in between classes. while I was there- I knew it could be worse- but never stopped feeling so inextricably alone. It took me four years to work up the courage to go to a basketball game. I sat in the car for 30 minutes and left again after someone said I "took their spot". I sat in the car a lot in high school. It felt safe and alone. I looked at my phone a lot too. Not for any reason- I was tired at pretending to text someone or going on social media just to feel anxious I could never look that pretty in a picture.

"And all the books you've read have been read by other people. And all the songs you've loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that's pretty to you is pretty to other people. And you know that if you looked at these facts when you were happy, you would feel great because you are describing 'unity'"

unity in aloneness

poetry in a mess

reaching into and out of empty birds nests wanting to hold something or someone steady.

the universal feeling of one two one two until someone pulls you aside

a welcome hand

of another caring.

not for you.

just with you.