everything now

the you that were so happy you bent over the wheel trying to calm your smile so your cheeks wouldn’t hurt the next day. but you get to do this again- so you’re probably still going to be this happy. it’s not a bad problem to have. it makes me feel spoiled and lucky and grateful. it reminds me there are people that feel some of the same things you feel when you click the radio on and the windows are down even though it’s 20 degrees- the sun is out and that’s enough. you feel light and refreshed and silly for all the times you didn’t feel this way, because life is so simple when you can just enjoy the people you’re around. the person. but it’s funny how quickly we forget there’s a reason we felt so alone for so long, and what’s in front of us can disappear just as quickly as it walked in. nothing is forever. and you’re back to a corner room and nights when you go to sleep by listening to the same songs that brought so many smiles, because you don’t have anything to do but think. you can’t text or call. you just get angry. why is it so much- you’re so much. with the in and out of give and take of catching your breath and reeling feelings. you can’t do much. but you can pretend you’re ok and everything you said before was dramatic and unnecessary and irrational, but here where everything is stripped away I feel the most rational I have in a long time. I am just not sure I like the rational side of me. I don’t I like me, at least right now. so it all makes the alone piece make more sense. nothing is forever.