here we are

Here I am, the fourth floor C2 toilets, Ike barracks. I miss barefeet in the bathroom at home. My feet cringe against the squeak of the aged rubber sole. It’s firstie year. It’s also 19 degrees outside.12:17. Neatly time to curl myself between my two comforters that have held me since for 1,317 days. Letting myself wonder if dreams are queued within 2 minutes of lying down or if my mind creates a sleepless chasm for 3 more measly hours before a disrupted, early am nap.

I am so close to a finish line. One that I’ve been obsessing over for as long as I discovered this place. It’s about 115 days away. One that I’ve grown and hurt through. I’ve also loved and laughed through these same days. Part of me is scared. Scared I’m going to lose nearly all the connections I made here. Did I make any? I feel like I get along with people well, but when do you really connect? I’m always asking myself, I am asking too much? Pressurizing a situation does not typically ease or elevate whatever issue's at stake. yet it's so tempting.

I think I’m learning that its ok to hold on, let go, to run faster, slow it down. Some days drag on, yanking me along by the thinning strands of my ponytail, but then. Then there are the days that your heart feels so irresistibly connected to those around you, you can't keep your eyes from smiling. Those are the days we chase.