last day of September

I like October. The air is finally cooled from the summer blanket. Fall feels crisp and fresh and simultaneously responsible for the close of chapters and beginning of new days. I struggled writing on this blog over the summer because everything I wrote felt too personal, like I could expose too many pieces of myself that I wasn't confident in in the first place. How crazy, right? We create our idealist versions of ourselves with or without the judgement or input of others. Success or failure there's another box to squeeze into. In the end no one's happy or we're all happy--which one is it? I can't imagine its our latter, but the hope for it has to stay or whats the point!

In one version I did fine at Ranger school. The second time around. Everything was hard, and stupid, but it was also finished. The door was closed and I was free to push after other goals.

Painfully, the above is not the case, but in the positive end of everything, the last sentence can still hold 100% of the truth! The door is closed and I am free to pursue other goals. I won't be running much this fall, but I have a TV (I know, holy shit, 18 months in Germany and I committed to a $120 smart tv from amazon), a yoga mat, a gravel (and road) bike, and a really comfy bed. I'm talking the kind of bed I want to sleep in for 12 hours at a time. that's half the day. and did i say... my wifi works too? This was a win in the making. And, fuck pushups. I hate them. I don't want to do any for a long fucking time.

So, to say that all is over and wasted holds a partial truth. The two years of pushups added a decade to my life, and continued to teach me that work and effort don't always spit out results. I regret the haricut (both times), but I am thankful beanie season is coming up and I have a selection from last time. I am thankful I am going back to a base only four hours from the most beautiful mountains i've ever stepped foot on. I want to keep chasing the happy weekends and good mornings. The ones sprinkled with sunrise reds and coffee drips with a ski coat thrown over the shoulders. Squinty eyes on the way to the car as the door slams shut too early in the day.

I feel stiff and slightly unhinged for focusing on a singular goal for so long only as it shut down quicker than one could finish a land nav course... but this opens my life and weekends and mornings to seperate hobbies.

Tangible pieces of life that reeked of failure whether thats what we're labeling it or not.

- quitting lacrosse beginning of junior year

- losing my senior thesis by simply not backing up my computer post grad

- failing ranger feb22

- failing esb jul23

- ranger try 2 sep23

Every door closed there should be another that swings open! no matter how quietly.

splitboarding

dog mom... yes...

guitar (zach bryan and cwg only?)

excel mastery (as much as i hate work, i hate being bad at something more)

researching masters options (school? kate? thoughts?)

in bounds line hunting (for the days my split can't optimize pow time)

becoming a park rat on my old forum board-- is this possible for weekend warriors?

indoor cycling (must. get. indoor. trainer.)

learn Italian (their mountains, wine, coffee, and attitudes have won me completely)

So, plenty to do. I can't believe I have to go back to my battalion again. I would rather go AWOL, but I'm pretty sure I can't say that because they would use this blog post as evidence in my UCMJ hearing.