little river

I found an old discover weekly song in another playlist. It's like seeing someone you didn't say hi to, or properly introduce yourself to at the first opportunity. A little awkward, but ok to have a familiar face.

I feel so constrained. Especially on days when I'm not running. I don't feel as connected or full. I miss the sunrise and I'm lagging.

I am laying in my bed as three different speakers play three different songs and I feel like my heads going to explode. It's 9:15 and I want to sleep.

I've learned that I'm not the kind of person that wants to be in charge of leading a group of people. I don't hold the patience or right qualities of a successful leader. I can't do any math or engineering, so that rules out just about any job options. It's sad how the job security that comes through the Army enamers enough people to get hooked into 'one more try' and that other "real life goal" slips away. Slowly. As ratings and PowerPoints and shiny gold stars take over their next 6 months, turn to 12, turn to 18. Oops, May as well stay longer. Make the bullshit worth it. But shits still shit no matter how long you look at it.

I reminded myself to EAT! during this recovery day. It's too easy to food punish. It's so childish too, and i can feel when I slip.

I also realized the Instagram I thought I deleted last June never really got deleted. I exaggerate the value of social media and have defined the last few years "ah I just don't social media" like that in itself gives me a platform to be proud of. It doesn't. It's stupid. Nothing is that deep. I simply don't have the self control to stop scrolling in an app. I get lonely and press on my screen-- hoping somethings going to jump out at me. Tell me it's ok! You're great! But even when the posts do, it's not geniune and it's flawed. But some parts are good. And that's why people like it. And that's fine. Things can be fine.

But I don't want fine!! I was thinking. What if the person I end up with just talks about me the way I hear the men here talk about their wives. It's depressingly dissassociative. Is it selfish to want someone to be obsessed with me? Maybe not quite that much- but you know, in love, remembers details, makes laughing feel easy, the basics! Is it due to my compulsive and obsessive personality that I need this returned? I cannot imagine the love and sacrifice is worth every turn if not utterly in love. Is this a romantic view? I hope this turns out to be realism. Only! I don't want ordinary.

My new favorite quote- I'm already thinking of some creative ways to turn this into a tattoo (maybe)

midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.

-Albert Camus

Nice. I like collecting quotes like this that make me feel a little more full.

I'm embarrassed I want to send texts and pictures and quotes to people that don't necessarily want them in the first place. A deep breath would tell you this is a pretty clear sign to let it be. But I can't! Not when the rest of the world feels so alone and it feels like it took so long to find some good people just to lose most of them right back to the sway of different schedules and poor timing.

They say it gets better! They also say these are the good days.

maybe the good days get better...