mediums

I deleted my instagram shortly after Apple released the screen time function on the Iphone. I was always on it. Looking through my feed, browsing random accounts, re-analyzing my own photo, its likes and comments for the umpteenth time. How disgusting that I would go somewhere- even somewhere as innocent and simple as a hike, imagine what kind of photo I would add to my profile. How it would work with the existing photos and what my followers would think... What was I thinking? I was so wrapped up in the idea of what others thought of me. As if they could absorb and understand my entire personality from the highlight reel I neatly curated.

I check facebook too often. In fact, i've probably been on facebook at least ten times today. Nothing new or exciting is on my feed, but I changed my profile picture. I posted a picture from a beautiful trip my friends and I took out to Constitution Island last weekend. One friend brought his camera and a few days later sent us his photos. I clicked through each one at 5:30 in the morning while on the elliptical, zooming in on my face- trying to prove to myself that yes, here my smile is crooked, ah here my hair is out of place, here my left eye is squinting too much. While each imperfection and asymmetry stood out immediately, i felt mildly elated he caught the carefree and unencumbered moments I remember from Sunday.

I'm uncomfortable knowing this is usually my reaction to receiving an 'acceptable' photo of myself-- lets post it and see what other people think. Lets have our self-confidence for the afternoon come from a number on a screen. Who liked it? who loved it? Am I less beautiful if no one comments?

OF COURSE, i say, social media is all such a game. Yet, we all keep losing and playing again. It's funny to me, as I'm writing this blog, (a social platform too...) I am reminded that 90% will have seen the photo I'm referencing. Part of me wants to cut it out of my life completely, and part of me knows this is just too dramatic. I love keeping up with friends and family all over the place, one would think a little self-control on screen time would go a long way... but it keeps creeping back.

My momma told me this favorite example of misconstrued opinions: Apparently, a dress company (LL Bean?) had someone wear a dress for one-hundred days. The idea behind this was that the dress was so versatile, this woman could wear it to work, wear it to shop, wear it to hike, it goes on... by the end of the 100 days, the one thing that stuck with the woman was that even her closest co-worker failed to notice the lack of variety in her closet. To me, this is both liberating and depressing. Depressing because we spend thousands of dollars on fast fashion every year. I need to be better here. Liberating because we shouldn't base our decisions off even the potential reaction from others. Also need to be better here.

fun feeling to try: walk against the snow flakes-- you know, where you squint and squeeze your eyelids together, protecting those doe eyes? Now relax. Feel the snow catch on your eyelashes and fall on your cheek. it never hits you quite as hard as you expect.**

**cannot recommend for a blizzard. soft snow falls only.

Photo by Gabe... thankful for you!