I know a few 20 something year olds. I think we're all pretty fucking lonely.
Some people hide it beautifully, but that lonely seeps out through rejected invitations, nights by a screen, impromptu car rides to nowhere, and burned out candles. I can't tell if I'm looking for one, singular person. someone to pour everything I have into. Someone to text after I get out of the bn cub (I didn't fall asleep!!). Someone to grab me coffee when im running late. Someone to tell me to go running when I need to cool off. Someone who runs with me. Or am i just looking for more friends. Maybe I can have a friend for all of these things. Treats that are individually wrapped and packaged for when they're needed most. Just like you've prepared your reaction for when they reach out to you. Can you find both categories of people? Can you find someone who is everything for you? I think the right answer is: that is not fair. But in my head and heart, selfishly, I think that is absolutely necessary. I don't want to settle for a 50% solution. I want someone who returns the energy im pouring in. Someone who gets excited, and passionate, and lets me yell (sometimes) and tells me to shut up (others). I guess I'm looking for balance. But not the boring kind. I want it to be tipsy and uneven and shaky, because I really, really want to care about you and what is love if not a little turbulent.
So all that to say, I know we're all lonely. I'm reaching for the kind of connection where you roll on the floor laughing. When your eyes water and your cheeks are sore from smiling. When you have to beg them to stop, because if you heard that god awful joke one more time you'll pee your pants. These are the moments I crave for my future. These are the moments I think of when I am on a walk alone through rural Germany at 9::23 at night and the sunlight is hanging on to the lowest edge of the lowest cloud and I feel farther from anyone I know.
Zach Bryan's newest album has been an emotional backstop for me since its release last week. a few of my favorite lines from the various 34 songs in no particular order, but a lot about the morning...
"I've been thinking about you in the morning time/woke me up so soft I forgot the world ain't kind"
"you say you missed me while you were busy sleepin"
"nothin' fun happens after you turn 25"
"I wanna die today, so I can learn to live for more"
"you in the morning time reminds me of the summer time"
"Anytime that ain't right now seems to be a waste of time"
.... wait im writing out this whole song...
"Cause when you go down hard//and you come up swingin'"
And this one to end <3
"you in the morning time makes me glad im still alive"
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