my sister looks so good here

she is very much a euro girl. she looks homey. cobblestones and espressos and vintage bags and baggy jeans.

I feel so heavy. everywhere. I know I should be happier. I’m in Prague with my sister and work friends. This should feel really good. This should be an affirmation that I’m growing up and traveling and experiencing pieces of the world I didn’t see myself in just 2 years before.

But I don’t want to. I want to eat vegatables in my living room at home in Lehrberg and crawl under my (new) down comforter and know that I’m going to bike for as long as my ass can stand the stationary bike seat tomorrow. I want to go to sleep knowing I’ll see the sunrise.

For loving something so much, I don’t make a deliberate effort on the weekend to see it. So I end my weekends as I start them- a little wallowed out version of a really, really tired 23 year old.

I was in such a mood today. So much so that thinking about becoming happier made me sick. I kept asking myself if I was happier last year. I think so. I cried more, but I feel dull this year. I’m ok being unhappy. I feel anxious and ungrateful and shallow and wasteful. But I know I am ok. I know I can keep doing what I’m doing and it will be fine. I don’t think it’s wrong or scary to identify the emotions, but it is intimidating. It’s intimidating to think some people feel like this their whole life. Maybe it gets way better- it could be so much worse. I’d like to imagine there are some things so beautiful you just have to stick around and see them for yourself. Like a shooting star at 3am in the west of Montana. A sunset run with someone you love. A coat of snow over your favorite backyard tree and those long awaited two armed hugs. I have to pick out what I’m looking forward to, because it’s easy for everything to drown in the crowds.

Small problems of the brain can be tough to write about, to acknowledge, because you know there’s so much more, so much worse out there- but you can’t help but feel like this struggle is still legitimate and justified. once I’m back to running, I think these problems will resolve themselves or at least find a new home temporarily. For now though, they stay swimming around my head waiting for a blog to justify their fire.