it is funny. nearly comical. If I wasn’t lying on my bad with a half wilted ice pack pressed to the left side that 3 days before the RPA that I’ve been waiting for, that I’ve set up, that I’ve trained for every single day that I’ve failed ranger school is finally here. It’s here and there are slots attached to it. Something I’ve also fought tooth and nail for. Not that I’ll receive that opportunity due to some outstanding leadership on my side- but at least give me a chance to show them it’s a mistake overlooking me.
I ran six easygoing miles today. Then I drove three hours. I tidied up my house and then I went on a two hour walk. Then. Instead of “being lazy” I went to the gym to knock out some chest. One last good session before Wednesday. Push-ups, bench, incline and some cables. I am in and out in forty minutes.
All this to say. I was warmed up, I wasn’t straining it. I am just trying to get the chance to go back to school. I am just trying to work towards something that’s bigger than myself and helps me black out during the stupid parts of my day.
I was driving home from Garmisch and I thought “100 miles on the bike tomorrow because I haven’t been “suffering” very much and i this j my pain tolerance for hard things is getting too low.
RPA on Wednesday and I’ll just have to grit it out. My foots been really holding back my running, but i am due for some push-up assessment.
Hike up zugspitze Saturday. You need another challenge, and keep it outdoors.
I’d rather step on nails than do one sit-up.
The more I try, the more my own body shuts down. It is mind bending how I must be subconsciously sabotaging any chance I get at the smallest success.
I want to do well, and it’s going to turn into me not being able to participate due to “back issues” I couldn’t think of anything more fucking lame. easy to question someone’s commitment from the outside, but when u can’t even tryout for the program u created- its pretty sad. Talk about buy-in.
I have such a short list of things or people or ideas that motivate me to get out of bed at the moment, and this issue with my left side of my back is making me want to so genuinely dig my own grave. The only saving grace is that I would be too physically weak to do it. My back would start spazzing and I’d have to cry silently in the corner of the gym like I did four hours earlier with my hat pulled down over my face and every somewhat near future hope of improving my current situations falls right out of view. The pity party is nearly over I just have to scream first.
Ok.
List of hates run heavy tonight. I already ran through my lists of thankfuls. My mind just cannot accept them as anything substantial tonight. They are! Just not now when I want to rip my head off.
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