old and new

I want to sit on my bed and stare at my red sleeping bag and listen to music lyrics and think about what I want to do for the next ten years. where I want to be and how I want to be with people around me that I love and admire and adore to the appropriate degree.

and I am! I am sitting on my bed leaning against the metal frame that has stopped squeaky with every movement and that in itself has improved my every day and made life substantially more enjoyable.

i am romanticizing the spring days and bike rides and birds in the trees and days in front of us and falling in love. it's funny how the good days are harder to imagine when u don't know who they'll be with. I'll substitute old memories for my evening dreams where I astrix my floaty thoughts with the reminder that it won't be with this person! their laugh won't sound like that and you won't see that smile. you have to re-do everything and show someone else all the parts of you that are worth showing. you have to introduce yourself quietly or slowly and see if you can jump in with both feet. I want to be in a dive off the Cliff kind of love. just because I can! and I have enough emotions to go with that. I have a lot to give and no where to put it. I think I need a dog. but it's quite an exhausting cycle to do in real life so why go through the stress of creating a new human in the head when you can just tell yourself this is it for now. these old memories morphing into new ideas.

I think I think a lot about the people in my life and remember always being worried no one thought as much about me as I did about them. silly innit. to compare times of thought and dreams and care- because it's all different for each person. it doesn't make it feel any less lonely, the acknowledgment of difference, but let's you get used to the sting and the hope that someone's gotta care about the pieces you're caring about.