reflections from a wall

All day. All im doing is eating. Im so hungry. I feel so disgusting. I am so extremely unmotivated. I want to curl into a hotel bed with a person i love. Instead, I’ll probably go on a 3 hour alone walk… don’t get me wrong- these are the best kinds of walks, but overall, I just feel disgusting inside and out. I hate myself right now. I know I have to make the active choice NOT to hate myself. I just cannot do that at this moment at 3:43 in the afternoon when my mind feels like such internal VOMIT.

On a positive note: I had a refreshing & honest conversation with Sar about how and why we all view our bodies with such intense vexation. She made my favorite point: how depressing is it to be put on this earth with the grandiose goal of being a size smaller. (sorry, Sar, i may have butchered this quote). I want to learn to talk to myself in the same open and honest way I would express my love for a friend.

And then sometimes... I love what my body can do for me. Not what it can look like for others.

I despise the idea of working towards something that encompasses my entire mind. Like running or eating or anoooother workout… What does any of this matter without balance?

I look in the mirror and I’m confused. I’m confused, because I think I should love myself more than I do. Some days, I feel as though I am a complete stranger in my own body. Some days, I am the queen of dancing in a stripped stupor, falling completely in love with myself and the reflection on the wall. Some days, I am afraid of lingering and I just loath the idea of taking up space. Some wobbly balance for you, annie.

I don’t want to define my existence by what I eat or how I look. I'm bigger than that... Aren’t we all? Bigger than the confines of some B O R I N G social construct that determines how you look, clothes you wear, food you eat, even people you love. too dramatic?

But, anywho, I think many of you all are already very hip to this. So, damn, you look good tonight. That body looks SO GOOD ON YOU. That mind looks SO GOOD ON YOU.

let us all smash a mirror soon.