sitting down is the worst.

my heel is hurting constantly, but what hurts more than my heel is my fucking head. I decided to not use an exclamation point in that last sentence, you know, to truly keep the weight behind my sentences. But doesn't everyone's head feel like its going to pop off every 25 minutes? Is this the rest of our lives? Finding pieces of our day that make it tolerable or acceptable enough to keep wanting to go to the next? This is dramatic, yes, but so is living for 90 years, or 40, or 24.

I am trying to pinpoint where I feel best. its probably doing something thats moving fast. Running, riding a bike, snowboarding, riding a horse... for a second this reflection made me just think that I have extremely expensive taste in hobbies, and the Army life likely cannot keep supporting these endeavors as soon as my parents stop pitying my choices and decide that I can take responsibility of my own ideas and travels and apparently, expensive hobbies. But its not the hobby itself I dont think. Its the feeling that comes with an out of breath run or long sprint or wind in the face flying down a mountain. Its all there- its all forward movement in one way or another. I like the solidarity that comes with it. It makes me feel guilty too, Because I like people, some of them anyway. And I dont't think I want to live my entire life alone, but I like being alone for these sections of time where I am in a mind-numbing piece of mileage and its fun to forget that there’s anyone else but you. Its selfish, totally. I am sure there is some middle ground to be found somewhere- but I don't want to put forth the effort to find it. Maybe, because I am convinced that there is a clear delineation of how i feel, I won't pursue getting close to someone because no one really wants to be told, no I would rather not do this with you. kind of a kick in the metaphorical balls. But I don't. I want to live a lot of it unbothered. So i see that I am probably in the wrong profession (the people business, they say) and need to figure out what I get to do with the remaining years I am here. Where? definitely not on the East Coast. Even compared to Germany's countryside it feels very suffocating and staged. I want to be where the real people are! but simultaneously I'd like to be where no one is. But I still want to be able to buy a coffee now and then. I dont know what is is- no matter what kind of coffee maker you have at home- traditional, french press, pour over, bialetti, nepresso, espresso, k-cups and all their glory, there is nothing you can do to completely replicate the cafe experience. So ill pay the extra for a midday coffee. I want to be alone forever and be in love immediately. Can you tell I am so happy! There, an exclamation for you (me, really).

I am thankful for a lot. I hate that these turn into ecliptic compilation of moans from my brain.

I am thankful I can run everyday even when it feels stupid not for your physical health or fitness but simply the fragile moment of mental clarity that comes following a run. It last for what? 20 minutes? Does it last longer when you run longer? Not really… but the anticipatory feeling is greater, therefore, the reward is higher, and that in itself feels like a greater win.

I am thankful I have the chance to be outside. to move freely. what would I do without movement? I don't want to live in a world where thats ever questioned.

I am thankful I get to see my family despite oh so many differences. I feel like I am a better family member over the phone. Hello, things are good? I still hate my job but its all fine. And yours? I love you, bye!"

I am thankful that I live in 2022 and we can do mostly whatever the fuck we want. Even though Earth has a carrying capacity of 12 billion and we are at 8 billion. I kind of don’t want to be there for the fallout. I just want to enjoy some more sunsets, have some more laughs, then probably peace out. Selfish? Yes! But at least I can admit it. How cool, how rad, how avant garde. Isn’t it fun to add bits of another language into your own? All poets in our own right.