stream of conscious good luck with it

i am so confused and so anxious and i know how incredibly lucky i am to be alive and loved by family and loved by friends and why does my head still hurt like this!!! you know? it’s a lot of tears in your car when john vincent iii comes on and the sunset is fading over some witchita mountains and the light turns green so you don’t even have to press on your breaks and you love everything the right amount. other days, wait no, hours? minutes? i am scrambling. i am scrambled eggs. or at least that’s what my brain feels it’s turned itself into. i want to be a steady, even keel, mellow and happy human, but instead i get very sad and very anxious and maybe a little angry and don’t have reasons for either a lot of the time. i want to work on a slower reaction- i am quick to jump to conclusions. i want to stop saying i am so much. i am so selfish!!! but now that’s all i can think about. how i am selfish for thinking about me. what about you? your family? your friends? their friends? i feel so guilty for thinking qbout these tiny thoughts but they’re kinda powerful for their size. i care about so much more- i swear, and i want my actions to show that i care… i’m getting there it’s taking me a while. oh (i am) rambling. will i be a wife? a mother? do i want those things? i kissed a girl last weekend and i liked it but it wasn’t anything particularly mind blowing. i wish my body would stop being bloated. i’m literally a vegan... ok let’s say plant based (i have a leather laptop case) isn’t this supposed to make me look ripped? and i hate that i care. it’s so 2010‘s to care about your looks like that. it’s not like i’ll ever wear lowrise jeans again in my life. i can still feel the metal button digging into my bladder. life is too short for uncomfortable clothes. i am trying to mediate more. it’s hard to remember too. but isn’t it so easy to pick up our phones?? funny. it’s funny how i’ll put off doing something like a sign up, a text, sweeping the floor, calling the credit card company for SO LONG and when i actually complete it- i actually take 2 minutes of focus on that task- it’s dreamily easy. not everything- but a lot of things. just do them!! stop taking your phone to the toilet it’s so annoying. i wish i was as good at executing something as i am at talking about it. all talk no walk! i’m pretty good at excel planning at this point and creating goals and reading self development books and listening to podcasts and reaching out for a conversation- but when it comes to true, real ACTION?? oh i’m rarely making it through. i sink back into this little boat of mediocrity that i think is good enough for now and then i realize good enough for now is probably cementing me where i am forever. i don’t know if that makes sense but i reallt just need to be more of a real life go getter.