I wonder if my neighbors, the ones that live in the apartment building in front of me, that sits so perfectly while blocking the sunset, if they love the sunset. I hope they watch it every night. I hope they know I crane my body over my balcony to catch the whispy cotton candy sky and keep it for a few more minutes. Yes, I could simply go on a walk, but there’s something serene to having a sunset pre-nested into your day: a natural flow.
I leave the office on fridays, thrilled and exhausted, keenly aware that’s the last major source of social interaction until Monday. I’ve gone most of the day without talking. As I’ve lived alone- I think I talk to myself less. Back when I was constantly surrounded by roommates and friends and daily interactions i think speaking: anything from new found truths or to-do lists gave me a separate escape. Now, I’m permanently floating. Escaped from the social bothers of routine conversations, but simultaneously void of small check ins. Small check ins add up until you realize how any interactions at all seem due to small, consistent efforts.
I was sitting in the edge of my couch, eyes heavy from a day of un-checked boxes from the “Sunday list”. The sun is so pretty- or what I can see of it, you know, around that apartment building.
I want to share small moments with people. But not just anyone. I don’t want to travel! Just to travel! I want to travel with one person. I know it’s a healthier choice to bond with new friends and make platonic relationships, strengthening them through platonic activities and plans. But I can’t do that. I’ve never been a causal person and I do a poor job of pretending I’m having a good time when I’d rather be running or cleaning my kitchen or re-reading Mary Oliver. let’s fuck. too quick? Ah that’s right I forgot which character I was playing today. I feel like my heart is going to get ripped out of my chest every other beat and I’m tired. Why am I always disappointed and homesick for past portions of life that feel so free when I remember them.
nested sun