a nice little flux

let me welcome you to this colored typed blog. computers are so cool.

1 feb, a monday: once I get out of my shell or start to feel more confident there’s always the nagging voice telling me to go back. No one wants to hear what I have to say, stop annoying people, keep your head down, just go away.

I am learning to counter this voice with a voice of my own. One that honors who I am and what I hope my everyday actions hope to convey. A voice that demonstrates my integrity, my grit, my character, my love. I want to show all of this-- yet at the same time, I want to hide away and keep everything to myself-- because what’s not shared can never be broken or stolen… right? But what if its the opposite. The mere act of sharing, of exposing my own vulnerabilities allow an unimaginable and intimate connections with those I love. Are you ever afraid you will push someone away instead of lifting them up? Are you afraid that even if you lift them up, will they just forget about you once a date's passed and you, your skills, your personality, your attributes, your help, its all now just unneeded. That’s what so many of us want right? To be pushed and nudged and boosted and admired even when we can’t do it ourselves. I guess the point of this paragraph is to say that I am trying to do things for people in the same manner I would want someone to do for me. I want to be my own friend. So, how would I act? How should I act?

18 march, a thursday: I feel fuller. In my heart, in my head, my LEGS. I feel stronger... like an atrophied muscle returning to some semi-normal state. I can't believe i have the opportunity to interact with such beautiful, inspiring, and loving people each day. Even when Gabriela doesn't accept my hugs, I know she's just playing that long game.